A parent asks: My husband and I are working parents of a four-year-old son with autism. When I see videos or read about abuse of autistic kids, I question my son’s school. He’s never shown any signs of abuse or complained about anything. But how can I know that my son’s teachers do right by him and do their jobs well, without my being there or volunteering? I just saw a video where a teacher recorded an autistic child stuck in his chair by the shoulders and the other students laughing at him.

Ellen answers: The possibility of child abuse in the school setting would give any parent nightmares. But we mustn’t let that fear catapult us into baseless suspicions stoked by the media’s well-documented penchant for click-bait. A miniscule fraction of teachers abuse children, some with autism and some without. The overwhelming majority do not. The fact that your son shows no physical or psychological markers suggests there’s no abuse. It doesn’t guarantee it though, so for your peace of mind you may want to educate yourself about the warning signs of abuse. These might include resistance to going to school (pleading illness, deliberately missing the bus, running away from school), withdrawing or refusing to participate in school activities, anxiety, self-deprecation, depression, rebellious or hostile behavior, sudden changes in behavior, changes in eating or sleeping habits.

However, the red flags I just listed can be symptomatic of many things other than child abuse. What makes me almost as queasy as the thought of child abuse is that your son is at the very beginning of his long odyssey through formal education and you’ve already taken a leap of faithlessness and conjecture about a person with whom you should be striving to build a productive relationship. “Without being there, how can I know that my son’s teachers do right by him and do their jobs well?” It’s understandable that you would ask this question, and it’s a good question—for as far as it goes, which isn’t far enough. The question that would be of much greater benefit to your son is, “How can I establish and build a dynamic relationship with my son’s teacher?”

Learning at this early juncture to create positive partnerships with your son’s educators will serve you well, as you’re going to have to do it with a new teacher or teachers each year. You’ll find more peace, and create a stronger learning environment for your son, if you find ways communicate regularly with his teacher. Even if you can’t be there, you can and should be in touch about his daily experiences so both of you can offer as much consistency between home and school as possible. When my son was in preschool, we had a communication notebook that went back and forth each day between his paraeducator and me. Today’s electronic communication makes it so much easier. An ounce of communication can save pounds of guessing, worrying, doubting, misjudging or not knowing.

Dynamic home-school relationships embrace the concept of teamwork, not suspicion. Bear with me an uncomfortable moment here and imagine if the teacher adopted a counterpoint view: “I became a teacher because I care deeply about children, and I love guiding them toward becoming all they can be. I see so many horrifying reports in the media about parents abusing their children by beating, starving and humiliating them. I have a student with autism. He doesn’t complain about anything and has no visible marks on his body, but how can I be sure his parents are doing right by him and doing their job well when no one’s looking?” This scenario isn’t so far-fetched; school personnel are often the first to detect child abuse.

Some parents are no doubt bristling that I raised this perspective. But I think you know why I did—not because I suspect either the teacher or you of abusive behavior, but because I emphatically don’t.

I’m no fan of assumptions. Too often they’re nothing more than unsubstantiated guesses. But in this case, I want both you and your son’s teacher start from an assumption—that you share a common goal, putting your combined, interactive best efforts toward your son’s growth and progress.

You seem to suggest that you can’t volunteer at your son’s school. Any engagement or involvement in your son’s classroom or school makes you and his teacher more aware of each other and strengthens the partnership. Schools know that many parents face severe time and energy drain from multiple children, jobs, commutes, health issues, and many are quite pro-active in helping parents who aren’t able to be present in the classroom or on field trips find ways to offer their time and resources on their own terms. I know parents who care for the school gardens and grounds on weekends, hem and press the choir robes, teach kids a skill (such as knitting) that they then go teach their classmates as an after-school activity, edit school publications, record stories for emerging readers to follow along, host a career-oriented field trip to their workplaces. Others volunteer from home as grant writers, web designers or editors, proofreaders, translators, online tutors or mentors. When my son entered high school, the volunteer coordinator called and asked me what I liked to do and what I didn’t like to do. She used that information to slot me into volunteer activities that suited my schedule, skills and temperament. As a result, I loved everything I did for that school; not one minute of it felt like an obligation.

Bottom line: if you want to be involved with your son’s school, you’ll find a way. Toss your list of what you can’t do, whatever your reasons, and instead ask the staff, “This is what I can do. How can you use that?”

Many of the teacher connections I forged during my sons’ school years endure, long after my sons left their classrooms, some now more than twenty years. There’s simply no substitute for cultivating human relationships. Short of guarantees you can never have, it’s your best insurance against your fear of the unthinkable.

 

© 2016 Ellen Notbohm www.ellennotbohm.com