“What kind of toys do autistic children like?”

“What should I buy for my ______ who has autism?”

Questions like these come my way not just at holiday time, but in every month, in daily life and for special occasions. To the first question, I call out the generalization; it makes no more sense than asking what kind of toys six-year-olds like, or little red-haired girls, or boys with freckles. And to both questions, the answer is the same as it would be for any child or adult giftee—to choose a truly meaningful gift, you have to let go of all your own preconceptions and personal preferences and focus exclusively on your intended gift recipient, a one-of-a-kind person. What follows aren’t tips, recommendations, instructions or guidelines, but rather, thought bytes to prime your imagination and perspective, and good for any day of the year, as giving should be.

In no particular order:

  1. Forget “autistic.” Think only about what would delight this one, individual child.
  2. Forget “a child.” Think only about what would delight this one, individual person.
  3. Think “What can I give?” which won’t necessarily translate to “What can I buy?” Nearly all children treasure pleasant times, memories and experiences doing what they like best.
  4. Ask the child what they like. (Not “what toys to do you like?” or any other limiter.)
  5. Ask the child what they don’t like.
  6. Ask the child what they like to do.
  7. Ask the child what they don’t like to do.
  8. Ask the child what they like to read (or have read to them, or listen to).
  9. Ask the child what they don’t like to read (or have read to them, or listen to).
  10. Et cetera. Whatever you ask, ask also in reverse.
  11. Let the child answer in any mode meaningful to them—verbalize, draw, show you on a device or book, take you someplace, sing, sign or mime.
  12. Ask the child’s parents and/or caregivers about likes and dislikes.
  13. Ask the child’s teacher(s) and/or caregivers about likes and dislikes. They often see a different side of the child than what family observes and experiences at home.
  14. Ask the child’s siblings and peers about likes and dislikes. They often see a different side of the child than what adults observe and experience.
  15. Ask the child’s parents, teachers and peers what sensory sensitivities to avoid.
  16. Observe the child in different environments. What are they drawn to? What do they avoid?
  17. Think twice, then reconsider the “anything is better than nothing” gift. A gift the child doesn’t understand or like can cause discomfort, confusion, anxiety, humiliation, anger. None of these feelings or reactions are “inappropriate.” They’re real and as valid.
  18. Don’t overspend, unless that’s the example you want to set.
  19. Be kind but concrete: don’t leave a “maybe” impression if a gift the child requests is out of the question. To a black-and-white thinker, disappointment can damage trust.
  20. The purest definition of “toy” is “something to be played with.” Any object that is safe and engages the child in a way he enjoys can be a toy.
  21. Don’t assume the child will like a toy that is the latest trend or “hot” toy.
  22. Don’t assume the child will like a toy because you did as a child.
  23. Don’t assume you know the only “right” way to play with any particular toy. An autistic child may turn your thinking on its ear—literally and figuratively.
  24. Don’t be or act offended if your gift doesn’t get a second look. What doesn’t appeal now may spark interest later. Sometimes much later. Many autistic children find  the expectations of others during gift opening stressful, overwhelming.
  25. Be aware that some wrappings, such as shiny paper, can cause visual or tactile upset for some kids with autism, or an unmanageable tangle of ribbons can trigger frustration and meltdown. This is not “bad” or “immature” behavior. It’s authentic sensory overload.
  26. The box and/or the wrapping may be more interesting to the child than what you consider the actual gift.
  27. Here are some of the most subjective statements in the whole human existence:

“This is interesting!
“It’s fun!”
“This smells great!”
“This is delicious!”
“That feels so good!”

Add “…to me!” to the end of those phrases and realize that an autistic child has their own powerful and  wholly legitimate thoughts on what’s interesting, fun and tasty, and it is neither bad nor weird nor disrespectful if  s/he doesn’t share your opinion.

 

© 2015 Ellen Notbohm www.ellennotbohm.com   Updated December 2021

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